This is a question I received some time ago. I don’t remember when, or through what channel. But, I want to take the time to answer it today.
Do you pray as a couple before sex, after sex, or does it depend on the night?
I am not sure what a godly relationship looks like with regards to prayer at bedtime. I am both higher sex-drive spouse and the more spiritually minded of the two of us. I have prayed both before and after but she rarely ever joins me. I don’t make it a habit as I often feel just as rejected with prayer as I do with initiating sex. I am returning home shortly after being away for work for one month am would like begin to pray with her every night and would love to her what has worked for other brothers in christ. thanks.
Typically, we pray as a couple after sex. It’s generally the last thing we do before going to sleep. Now, there have been some occasions that we’ve prayed, kissed each other good night … one thing led to another, and some time later, we found we’ve prayed, then had sex, then gone to sleep.
Now, during a discussion with some couples in my church, one of the wives challenged us to pray before sex, and about sex. She said that the last time they did so in their marriage, it was the best sexual experience they’d have. Now, I should mention, it was also the first time they had sex, on their honeymoon, a couple decades passed, and they haven’t done it since. So, her experiences might be slightly coloured by both hormones (can you get a bigger dopamine burst than on your honeymoon as a virgin?) and memory (we tend to glamorize good events in our memory).
Spice up your sex life tonight!
But, despite all that, I plan to take up this challenge. The next time we have sex, I will do my best to remember to pray first, and to pray specifically for the sexual experience. Now, granted, I might completely forget to do so in the moment, but if I remember, then it will be an odd experience for us. I don’t think we’ve ever prayed to “have good sex”. I know I’ve prayed during sex that my wife will achieve an orgasm soon (I’ve done so a few times over the years), but that was a silent prayer (though it has yet to fail me!). This will be praying together, and that requires more vulnerability, and, in theory, should increase intimacy.
What if your spouse isn’t ready to pray about sex yet? That’s okay. You can just pray for the both of you. Model for them that you can pray about sex. Show them that you won’t be struck by lightning. Pause at the end of your prayer to give them a chance, just not so long that they feel like you’re pushing them. Rather, that you’re inviting them. It’s a hard balance, but I think it can be achieved.
Same goes for spouses that just aren’t ready to pray together, regardless of the topic. Model it for them fearlessly, and give them a chance to pray. But don’t push. You can’t force someone to open up spiritually. You can only invite them.
As for what works for my fellow brothers (and sisters) in Christ…they’ll have to let you know in the comments below.